Hill Health Magazine Fall 2007

Getting the Relationship You Want

We naturally seek mutually fulfilling relationships, whether with romantic partners, children, parents, siblings or friends. When relationships fall short of that goal, we often feel the consequences physically as well as emotionally.

“The physical body is intimately connected to the mind and emotions,” says Mark Levine, MD, director of Community Psychiatry Associates. “Relationship stress is not unique from other stress. It affects everything, causing sleep disorders, gastrointestinal problems, headaches and feelings of anxiety.”

When one or more of your relationships leave you feeling emotionally or physically drained, reflect on what you’re really looking for and learn to stand up for the kind relationship you desire.

Evaluating your relationship

Dr. Levine lists five qualities common in positive relationships: mutual interests, reciprocal appreciation, shared values, trust and communication. Physiological attraction and romance can be factors, as well.

“You can be in love with someone, but if you don’t have those first five qualities, you’ll start to see stress,” Dr. Levine says.

“The real key, when you’re under stress, is to look at all areas of your life honestly and with general candor and say, ‘How is this going?’”

How to heal

Over time, you can improve some bad situations. Occasionally, however, cutting ties is the best alternative. When facing an unhealthy relationship, consider these options.

Commit to change. Identify and discuss problems openly. Be assertive, but not aggressive, and understand that both parties might need to change. Cooperate for lasting solutions.

Try therapy. When you cannot overcome ongoing conflict alone, therapy provides helpful perspective. Participants learn new ways to address challenges, identify and resolve problems and improve communication.

Move on. Recognize when patterns or personalities will not change, acknowledge that you’ve tried to remedy a situation and move forward. In cases of abuse or domestic violence, seek help from a crisis center or trusted friend. Get out. No one deserves to be physically or emotionally abused.

Fighting Fair

No relationship is perfect. Conflict will happen – it’s how you respond to it that matters.“What you really want to do is shift from argument to discussion,” says Dr. Levine. “Fighting fair means not really fighting at all.” Disagreements can strengthen communication when kept constructive.

Remain calm. Don’t yell. Take a break if things become too emotional.
Avoid sarcasm, personal attacks and blame, which encourage defensiveness and anger.
Remember, negative body language – rolling your eyes or crossing your arms – is belittling and can escalate disagreements.
Avoid exaggerations and “You always...” or “You never...” statements.
Deal with current issues, not past offenses.
Listen. Don’t judge. Try to understand what each party wants and why.
Don’t be afraid to apologize or forgive.
Search for compromises and solutions. When necessary, agree to disagree.

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